a huge cheer for national breast cancer awareness month. everyone please give generously. not only does aveda support it with the sale of their hand relief, i have volunteered to sell ribbons. watch out westfield shoppers! gorgeous toni has also designed a fabulous t-shirt selling at jeans west. my beautiful mum has just finished her chemo and is moving on to radiotherapy early october for a couple of months... slowly but surely... miss her awfully though and especially at such a time. she wrote a letter to me so i could share her experience with the office here to help them rally behind it and didn't realise the small details she went through. how she was told and the fear that keeps her from sleeping. she is truly extraordinary to me. i miss her terribly.

life has been fabulous with our weekends full of laughs and good times. matt and i finally had our house to ourselves late last night but we both feel so lucky to have the friends we have here. every weekend is full and plentiful and makes the week days a lot easier! jett has also given us so much happiness. from stealing underwear to howling at me in the morning to get up, and even jumping out of bedroom windows, he has given us such a laugh. now if somehow i could have the above paragraph in the same state as this one life would be bliss!

love you mum xo

what an amazing weekend. how will i ever thank the beautiful jane, sam, petrina and karen for organising a surprise engagement celebration. after a rather big night friday, saturday night i thought i was off to a quiet dinner with jane, john and matt. what i did not know was that our friends had spent weeks organising a dinner for us. yes, i know we have been slack on the celebrations, and most probably everyone was getting sick of asking when it was going to be... but we went to tepanyaki and heading towards the table i started to recognise people... of course not even formulating in my head they were there for us. must have been the friday night. seriously! cannot believe matt knew about it too and just how well he kept a secret. we even had our photo printed into the icing on the cupcakes for dessert!!! huge thanks to my beautiful man matt, sam, jane, petrina, karen, alison, billy, greg, ann, shane, luke, nat, helena, peter, j&k, darren, terrilee, matthew, tony, eva, costa, angela, toni and jo. as you could tell by the tears, it meant the world. even though it did mean catching egg in my mouth!

this was only a relatively early night however as sunday we then picked up our beautiful new six month old puppy. a siberian husky named jett. he is absolutely beautiful. that said he was absolutely beautiful right up until this morning. looks like he is finally 100% comfortable with us now as he tried to nibble my toes as i got out of the shower, take off with the bathroom mat (much easier than the big rug which he also tried!), managed to open the sock draw and try and jump in, and jumped on the bed and stuck his nose in my cup of water on the bedside table. he was also up early and put his head on my pillow and nibbled my ear whilst sticking his legs out straight on the back of matt's head. yep - he thinks we are okay now. probably because we saved him from the noises of the dishwasher last night! he is off again today with matt at work on his little futon. my two boys out there looking so cute!

so all-in-all feel so blessed and happy with the friends we have afar and here - thank you so much for your thoughts, love, kindness... and pressies! for finding such a special little dog. um, well, not so little but a beautiful dog regardless. and for being with such an amazing man. if only i could have my mum and dad with me too, it would be perfect. x

well back to the cold weather of melbourne. had the most wonderful time at home spending time with my family - especially mum who looks does indeed have a gorgeous shaped head on her! was interesting (and admittedly a little confronting) how the chemo treatment was conducted and also to know how mum reacted to it but even through her immense nausea and tiredness her incredible sense of humour and positive attitude shined through. That plus her mad cravings. For some reason this time the chemo has also made her become like a pregnant woman. Dad had to rush out for Baked Beans one day, I had to run out for chocolate that night, and the next day she absolutely had to have melted cheese on toast followed by a plea for a jam doughnut that left me standing speechless in the video shop for ten minutes until she returned - sugar on her lips and all. Now this is from my healthy eating Mum! She doesn’t know if it is because the taste in her mouth is so bad this time and the nausea has increased, but it just seems to right her until the next craving. i , however, am now the healthy eating daughter once again and even have managed to incorporate tuna and soy milk into my new diet. besides, i have to look after myself as my own test results came back CLEAR! yes, CLEAR! after how many years and standing right up to the final line, i have scored with an ALL CLEAR! really hasn't sunken in yet. matt and i are still ridiculously happy. maybe it is even time for that engagement party!

Poor Meme is going a little bonkers. Love her to pieces. She asked who was looking after my dog. Bless her. Said, er, you mean Matt? Haha. She giggled away. Swore I had a dog. At least she still remembers my name – my poor cousin is a total blank to her. Plus she keeps calling Matt my ‘Old Man’ because she cannot remember his name. Might have to keep her off the wine at dinner time!

The world is full of some complete crazies. But as for family and friends, the beautifully nutty ones are my favourites. x

okay - i truly didn't pay for this rollercoaster ride but find myself smack bang in the middle of it. am flying home next week to visit my beautiful family and hold mum's hand for her third bout of chemo... let's hope she won't be holding mine! she is now sporting a beautiful blonde do that forever will be an oscar $250 hair cut. i had my appointment monday and of course in true fashion as history shows, managed to get a strike and awaiting biopsy results. work has once again become a place of so-called redundancies, resignations, bullying and the ever frequent tears. but lucky for me i have the most beautiful man and the most incredible friends a girl could ever wish for. ones who give me a hug, a glass of wine, then drag me off to weekly trivia nights, dinners, movies, shopping, drinks and daily lunches. a close bond with people at work when once upon a time we all hardly associated with each other. such caring from m's parents when i so miss my own. for all of this i can only see the positive in it all. as mum has said, how can you not when you find out just how many people truly care and love you. thank you x

to anyone who reads this... not that i thought anyone really did... please know that this is my on-line diary. something that i can look back on. i don't name people. i am vague about details. but it is how i manage to release a lot of what is on my mind. i have had to remove entries from this as it seems like it is no longer my own diary, but more of a discussion forum where i am criticized for my words. i apologise if i have hurt indirectly anyone else from what i have written. i believed my last entry (that i have omitted) was mainly about my mum. my beautiful mum and how i feel about what she is going through. from there i wrote a couple of non-descript sentences regarding other things that have built up too. it was about me. the pressures, the fear, that i am going through. mum - i will have something else up about you soon. about how much you mean to me. that you are my best friend. my advisor. my believer. my shoulder. my mother. i love you so much. that is all it is meant to be about x

i feel like i have been on the most intense rollercoaster of emotions. after the height of romance with such a beautiful engagement, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer on the 21st April (last thursday). my beautiful, untouchable mum. i flew up on the friday and was notified that all tests were conclusive. monday was her op to remove it. wednesday results in that it has all been removed (with mum a little lopsided but so very, very happy). treatment and therapy is yet to be decided... thursday back at work answering queries for fashion week in sydney next week so not a minute to relax.

i have never been so scared in my life. i have never had to be that strong.

can i have a good cry now? then a great big sleep? weekend will not see me out from my doona!

next week smelling the roses will begin. time to really, really live.

Sunday 10 April 2005 at approximately 8am on the top of Ayres Rock, with my parents blessing, Matt asked me to marry him and I accepted.

Details will come. I am just so happy at the moment that I cannot put anything to words. It was just perfect. Thank you M. Thank you for loving me as you do xxx

two more sleeps until thursday.
thursday is the last day before having four days off for easter.
thursday we fly to brisbane.
thursday i see my mum and dad.
thursday i see my grandma.
thursday i see my beautiful dog.
thursday i get to go home.
thursday i get to relax.
thursday i see my dad's white nike air new shoes.
thursday we give my dad his birthday present.
thursday i will give my dad his birthday hug and kiss.
two more sleeps until thursday.
i love thursday.

two fabulous things happened today. i reached 1 million dollars worth of pr to date from july 2004 (we took pr in-house in october 2004). i have an aim of 1.5 by the end of the financial year. champagne for sam and i tomorrow!

secondly my beautiful man just came past work with a bunch of stunning flowers for me.

whilst all the girls at work sigh... mine is the loudest. love you m.

thoughts are with my mum xxx

it has been ages... there is now an absence of a porch... oh, and i am also a permanent resident in at the st kilda east abode. did i mention that? it is wonderful and i am so happy i could burst. m is incredibly beautiful to me and i adore him to bits. so much so that i even have broken my evening meal of whatever i have left in my fridge and preferably on a salada... and am cooking everything from pork with apple sauce and mash to crumbing my own schnitzel and even pulling out a few curries and pastas. er... won't mention about almost killing matt with my 'several-degrees-hotter-than used-to' green curry however... it's my mother's trait. i can't help that one. so needless to say there is a few more kilos on than before but all in the name of love. counting down the days to easter and celebrating my dad's big birthday, not to mention some of the queensland sunshine. then after that my surprise holiday with m somewhere. so far clues have been "caravan"/"tent"/"sporting activities, actually one, taboganning". right. have no idea what i am packing!

sad thing is that i have lost a good friend s. his choice. there is nothing i can say or do to change it. i have tried and tried. for that i am removing myself from him, j and all others as his vicious words have gone far. i loved mary. i always have and always will. i feel that is the main thing and that is something she had always known. whether i could be at a funeral or not should not be an issue. should not be a focus. i feel so upset by this but it is something i just have to try and remove myself from now. those who love me know the truth and know the person i am.

right, enough of that as getting all welly up. combating a serious bout of something that is going around the office and feel like either racing off and sticking my head in the freezer, or turning around and throwing myself into the oven every three minutes. just ridiculous. not quite the image one wishes for when meeting harper's.

oh, and i have to mention that i have a fabulous assistant samantha. i allow her to make me write and say these small words of praise. i just made her send off fifty letters and booklets for me. least i can do i say! thank sam oh wonderful one!

okay - i am over the depression of ungrateful friends and friends of friends and moving onto a happier space... matt and i did first step of renovating on weekend and I came through in flying colours. yes, even though minus a tool belt, i did don garden gloves, track suit pants, muscle tank top and boots and was the assistant to the demolition of his front porch. i cannot believe what a diy guy i am with. the demolition was followed by a trip to bunnings, purchasing of timber and a piece of gutter, then back home with cold ales and the power drill. somehow both of those did work together! as i explained to my parents, i felt my childhood coming back as i sat outside of m's little red brick home with plum tree out the front. i grew up in a little red brick home painted white, with plum tree out the back. surely that is a good omen. so life is good and i am happy as larry (who is larry? maybe i am happier than him!). m and i drank veuve cliquot last night, celebrated being together, watched desperate housewives and talked of further renovations. missing mum and dad... would love them being a part of this here... actually wish it was all happening up there (did i mention the weather today?)... but other than that, love and life is wonderful. can people really be this happy?

it is funny when you really realise how much you put yourself out there and how much you really get back. sometimes i wish i could learn to be a 'taker' too.

well, the first day of matt's and my diet and exercise kick went quite well. day two now. there was only once that i considered sticking my foot out and tripping him whilst we... errrr.... i..... was trudging up a hill. m was a little too sprightly for my liking! "come on baby, i am sure you aren't thhhaaaattt unfit!" i am sure my constant pleading for a) a bus to stop for me and b) the bus to then take me to the closest bottle shop for a nice, crisp glass of sauvignon blanc probably didn't help matters... however all in all it ended up being a great walk with my beautiful man and we have already mapped out our entire lives around exercising and eating well. right! will report in at the end of the week to let you know if the pizza won or matt.

what can i say about m... m makes everything shiny and beautiful. he gives so much and puts me first always. as i put him. he is considerate beyond anything i have ever known and believed was true. we do not have tension, anxiety, unease... in a short time we only have deep love, friendship and i feel like i have met my partner. i can't explain it. every one who has seen us together are amazed and incredibly happy. i remember a time when a boyfriend had said that his work, friends, family and car were always first in his life but i would always be in his top five... i remember a time a boyfriend said that the fairy tale doesn't exist... i remember a time when i laid in my bed awake whilst i listened to my boyfriend asking my friend to sleep with him in the room below... i can't put my feelings about m into words. i am just so happy. i have been since the day we got together. thanks m for standing by my side. for wanting to be a part of my life - all parts. for making me a part of yours. you are gold. thank you for making me believe. x

my nut just fell off! hmmm... probably sounds quite trivial... it's an aveda thing. kind of like a natural string with a nut on it. someone ties it on you and you make a wish, then when your wish is ready to come true the bracelet... er... string... breaks and the nut falls to the ground. totally biodegradable and environmentally friendly of course. now my nut has been hanging on for quite some time so was starting to think i had wished up too big! the difficult thing is i don't remember exactly what i wished for. it's been a while i tell you. everyone else's nuts were falling off here and there ages ago. m still has his nut however i tied it to him after mine was put on. m and i couldn't be happier. i couldn't be happier. he even got me on the back of his motorbike on the weekend. hilarious. i didn't realise that helmets were SO big. i looked drunk bouncing my head on each side of the path walking down it towards the bike as it felt like a bowling ball was stuck to my head. new year was amazing. m, moet, masquerade... all in my vintage cowboy boots. what more could a girl ask for? hmmm, next entry will be dedicated to m i feel. he so deserves it. x

someone i thought knew me so obviously doesn't. who doesn't take note of what i do, only pin points the things that i have missed. absolutely saddened today by it. by it all. such an awful situation any way that this has only made it be filled with more pain. i hope he got what he wanted from it as i am devastated. maybe it is just grief. i hope it is not more.

two sleeps to santa and m. xx

i am at home finally for a week of holiday and loving it. everything that is except for the spontaneous hurricane winds, thunder claps and going to bed with a bucket propped under my arm in case the roof leaks. due to the two former parts of that sentence and other tropical weather madness, it has led to part of our roof trying to take for cover also, presumably hiding in the neighbours backyard somewhere that has therefore led to the bucket. it's a lovely bucket though, as far as bucket's go. this, however, is combined with very hot, sunny days that has seen me resembling a red puffer fish in the face. after an hour, topless in the sun, in a spot that i have managed to navigate between our house and the neighbours that gives me only a small window of opportunity to tan my pasty skin, and between the sudden squeals and swats every time a garden insect flies past, all i managed to do was give myself sunstroke - even at 9.15am in the morning. and in the love stakes m and i are managing to drum up mobile phone bills that all telstra and optus employees will find a considerable christmas bonus each in their paychecks with. but i am home. really and truly home, and i love it. the festive season has begun!

yesterday was a truly sad day. we lost a very special woman - a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and for me, a beautiful friend. for the zappia family i want to extend all my, and my family's, love and thoughts. to simon, carina and natalie as i cannot imagine what it would be like to ever lose a mother and one so infinitely special; to dom as she was his proud and beautiful wife that stood by his side; and to grandma - for losing a child before yourself is a pain that i can only imagine. dearest mary, may the light now shine for you and the pain gone. to have walked this earth and touched so many... you were an angel to us all.

a huge thank you to jane and claire who kept me afloat, and to matt. the provider of flowers, smiles and hugs. thank you x

this morning i received the most beautiful flowers. the peonie's bloomed in front of me throughout the day. just amazing. feeling a bit special.

big flew to paris and rescued carrie from the evil, self-centred alexandr (yes, minus the 'e'), and he lets her, and loves her for being, just her.
samantha worked out what all women knew - smith is absolutely the most beautiful man alive in every respect and that she loves him. hey -he shaved his head for her AND gave the most gorgeous flowers AND flew all the way back because he wanted to tell her he loved her. TEARS ON CUE HERE!
charlotte has found happiness with harry, a beautiful asian girl they are about to adopt and miniature dogs in burberry coats.
miranda loves her life - her husband, her son, her dog and even her mother-in-law with all the burdens they are. oh, who did not cry when she sponge-bathed steve's mum! er... if you did not see it, you will be scratching your head there.
so once again the world is as it should be. there is happiness out there - romance, laughter, friendship and family - the best way to wrap up any show.

i get to see my family next wednesday. i am full of happiness!

tonight is the final of sex in the city. it is a tragedy. if last week is anything to measure by, there will be plenty of tears also. oh, who hasn't been waiting for big to say "carrie, i am in love with you". born.romantic.lives.here. tonight i am sharing the finale with friends, cosmopolitans, and king prawns, with some cupcakes for dessert.

also had a rather surprising message.

to ponder. when one is away from those they care about in a foreign city... when saying they are lonely and that even though it is great there, it is hard when there is no-one to share experiences with... is it just anyone that they miss, or can it be one specific person? and if it is one person... what happens next?

monday morning. yawn... two and half weeks and i will be in beautiful queensland for seven days for work and play, then sydney, then back to melbourne followed by my gorgeous friends birthday bash. i cannot believe the next weekend i have free is the 11-12th december (that happens to be my beautiful mum's birthday) then back to queensland the next couple of weekends (do you believe christmas happened so fast!) and most probably here for new years eve. now as you know, this girl is not one to step out! what is going on there? i flick through my diary and seriously... did i just write diary? i vaguely know i own one! the baron waste land of ruled lines and dates that is only used to lug around to appointments and meetings... usually with a squiggly list compiling the DVD list of movies I need to rent for the week...! when did me getting a life happen?

i have also had an amazing ephiphany. complete revelation. i.do.not.understand.men.

yesterday i wore toni maticevski's strapless dress he sent me for oaks and i felt like a princess. what a wonderful day and what an amazing marquee. acp know how to do an event! this weekend i will rest up and sloth on my lounge - watch the rain and avoid my mobile. i need to. it has been a huge few weeks. there is however brunch with the girls tomorrow morning and possibly a day with chris on sunday. i say possible as i feel it comes with a warning label - only for people aged 22-27. i stopped playing with swing sets long ago.

now that was a beautiful and big weekend. 9.30am monday morning... can i go home and sleep now?

okay. fashion week is over and i am working back on the water thing again... oh, damn it, oaks day next week... but it is rude to say no to french champagne sponsors! had a fabulous time. met amazing people and even wore the all access fashion music uk tv pass whilst being escorted by their ceo. it is always nice to reflect on those moments when home decked out in ugg boots and tracksuit watching a dvd and eating 2 minute noodles.